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A Letter From A Broken Child...

To Whom It May Concern:

So here goes…

It basically boils down to I thought I had moved on from the past, but I am discovering I have not even come close to it. I am still angry about the fact that you did not fight for me, you say you never received any of the mail or letters from children services or the courts because they did not have your correct address well why didn’t you call them and give them the correct one? Why did you not contact close family or anyone for that matter, whether they treated you right or not, I am your child? You gave birth to me and you just forgot about me because “it was hard to be a gay woman in the time period” then why did you not leave your girlfriend and get your life together and come get me?? 
Why did you just leave me with strangers?? I would have been much happier and safer living with you in a trailer park with no windows and begging for food.  I am just really confused, especially when you sit and talk about all these “kids” you raised. That shit kills me to hear because; it makes me feel like I was never good enough for you. So why all of a sudden am I good enough now?? Why did it take 20 some yrs for me to be good enough?? What did I do that was so wrong?? 

And I am tired of you telling everyone you took me back to my father that last time because “I” wanted to go, and all I did was cry for him. That is a lie, I remember that day more vivid then you will ever know, because that is the day I realized that I was not good enough for anyone. You took me home because I told my sibling that “Mommy had a girlfriend” and you said it was because what went on in your house stayed in your house. Well to let you know, I was a proud little girl because I had 2 mommies and they were all mine. So please stop telling people it was my fucking fault because I never once cried for my father. I only cried for the mother that I longed to have, just like every other little girl in the world. 

You claim my father took off when you walked in the house...when he drove away why did you not try to get me then?? Why didn’t you chase him down? You knew where the apartment was, why didn’t you come and get me? You were my mother, you had all rights to me. Why did you just stay with her? You didn’t even try, I am just baffled that you just let it happen and not only once with me but, a second time with my sister. 

Not a bit of fucking fight was put up for either of us; you just tossed us aside for someone else to take care. It was like we were a toy that was broken, and the blaming on your mother is old and ridiculous. You could have broken the cycle, you could have been the mother that your two daughters longed for but, instead you were and still are a mother to children who use you, and just push you aside like the broken toy you made us feel like. 

I could have been like you and just let Children Services take my kids, a few times as a matter of fact but, guess what I broke the cycle. As for my children they will fight for their families, they won’t blame others for what they should or could have done. Now your youngest daughter has followed right in your footsteps. I myself would give or walk away from anyone or anything that even slightly jeopardized my family. Growing up in foster care was really shitty, I never knew what home I was going to be shoved to and when. Did you know that I refused to get adopted up till my 18th birthday, because I never let go of the fact that my mom was going to come get me one day and we were going to be a family. 

You left me, you walked away the first time without a fight and not a second thought. I was then handed to you on a silver platter, a silver fucking platter, and you sent me back. You sent me back to be touched and hurt by the man who was suppose to protect me. Then he sent me away, and you never came looking for me, you never fought for me. I was never good enough, so why would I be good enough now? Why would I put myself in the slightest chance of this situation again? Why? Why did you leave me? Don’t give me the bullshit about that you didn’t know, you were poor, whatever the excuse is, I don’t care. Do you want to know why I don’t care? 

I don’t care about the excuses or believe a single one because you had and raised your girlfriends child. What made him so special mom, what made him your pride and joy? Why did he get to stay and you fought for him, but my sister and I, you just walked away. 

O wait I know my great grandmother explained this one to me. It was because my “father” was your way out. My father was your way to get away from such a horrible life that you had. I get it, you were abused, you were to raise your siblings, you were the black sheep at the time. So why not change it? Why not be the mom that you were “meant to be”? I am not saying you had to stay with my father, far from saying you should have stayed with my father or my sisters' father, but damn mom, you carried both of us for 9 months, and you gave birth to us, and then just left us.

The other reason I am walking away is because I love my family and I will not put them in an uncomfortable situation and you caused one the last time you were here. You raised your voice to my children, you got shitty with my kids and when someone says “I just want to smack them in the mouth and tell them to not talk to my “child” that way” that is not ok. That is not ok at all. 

Then I called you after the baby daddy situation and went off about him calling my child a name and how I would not put up with that from ANYONE, and then in the next breath you asked if Boogie was being a “dick” because his girlfriend broke up with him. That is not ok, AT ALL. 

Yes by blood you are Boogie and Creeps' grandmother…but that does not mean you have earned that roll in their lives just like that, you have to earn my kids trust and they deserve that. Just like yes you are my mother, and yes I call you mom, but I have not had a mother in my life since I was 7, and now I am 35 yrs old, and I don’t want or need a mother. I wanted to build a friendship that I would hope one day would have led to a mother/daughter relationship. 

My kids are very upset and feel the same way about it, they are 17, 15, and 13. They have not (well beside Beans) had a grandparent a day in their life, and you just show up one day and “BAM”. That is not how this works, you have to give them time and build a friendship first, and this has come from Beans and Boogies mouths. I will not put them in a position like that; I never have nor will choose another human being over my children!!!

With all of this said…I guess you could say “the topping on the cake” was when you went behind my back and placed my soon to be Brother In Law in an awkward position by asking him to bring you up here without even asking me or bringing it up. That was rude. My time with you was my time with you, just like my time with Lil One and her family is my time with them. There would have been small get together(s) when the time was right, but for you to go behind my back that just did it for me. You made them feel uncomfortable and that is not ok, Lil One is neither your family, nor relation and for you to put them in that situation is not ok. I am glad they did not bring you with them, you know how I feel about people just showing up at my home, no matter who it is, you let me know first, you know this.

I don’t need a mom any more; I have been doing this on my own wayyyyy to long. I am just not sure I will ever be over what you did; you can blame whatever on whomever. It comes down to the fact you are willing to fight for everyone but me, and that is not ok. I don’t care if you would have had to move to a different state, whatever it took, you should have done and you didn’t. You left me just like everyone else has in this world, and that is ok with me, that is your choice, but I love myself enough to know that my kids and my husband deserves my all and I would do whatever it took to make that happen. I am sorry that I was not her child or any of these other kids you raised. 

I am me and I was worth the fight it may (even though there would have never been a fight) have been.

So I think with all this being said (well typed) I think it is best for my children and my husband for me to walk away, because that is what a mother does. I love you and always will, till the day I take my last breath, but I need to walk away before things get worse, and I end up saying something that I might not regret. 

Hey just think, you have plenty of kids that you have been involved with their entire lives and you have raised so I wish you all the best in the world Mom, and I pray for you to get clean and healthy. The alcohol is killing you, you can say that you are not an alcoholic, but you are. You need help to get clean, but you are grown and free to make the choices that you want to make. You are not willing to get healthy, and claim you are so sick, as a mother and grandmother you would think you would do whatever it would take to get clean and healthy to have more time with me and your grandchildren. I love you and always have and always will, but I will not, I repeat WILL NOT love you to death. This is the same reason I walked away from my sister, and will unfortunately have to walk away from more. I cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves.  I pray that God places his hands upon you and gives comfort and understanding. I pray for you to really understand what I am saying and how I feel and why I feel this way.

I wish you all the best,

A Broken Child

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